I have no idea what I’m doing.

Wow,

I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything on here since I built this new website/blog. Well, I actually CAN believe that I haven’t posted…because depression has been beating my ass. If my battle with depression was a boxing match it would be as if I were going up against Iron Mike Tyson in his prime. The ref is counting to ten and I manage to get up each round before the final count. Only to once again be knocked back down the following round.

It is exhausting.

Fighting to live every day, is exhausting.

But, I want to be here. For the first time in my life, I want to live. I want to fight for the life I choose to live for. When I started treatment for major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation, I thought the hardest part of my battle would be finding the will to live.

I was wrong.

For me, the hardest part of this journey toward treating my mental health has been learning how to live with mental illness. Transitioning from merely existing each day in pain and silence, to living authentically and in the open about what it is I’m battling, has not been easy. To suffer in silence about the agony and pain I was enduring was my norm for over 3 decades of my life. When I FINALLY received a diagnosis for what has been reckoning havoc on my life, it felt like a huge sigh of relief could finally be taken.

But knowing what’s wrong didn’t provide a “cure” and magically alter my life for the better. The diagnosis, in addition to the treatment plan of medication and therapy, placed me on a new path in life. One where I now have an explanation for a lot of things I once didn’t understand why I was hurting and suffering. I finally got to a place where I wanted to fight back and live as full of a life as possible.

I just don’t know how to do that yet.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I could pretend to be okay and fake my way through my life in the past before starting treatment for major depressive disorder. I could get up in the mornings, go to my job in Banking, be successful and appear to have my shit together. But now, now that I’ve been given the tools to fight to live authentically and openly, I am struggling. I am lost as to what I’m supposed to do in terms of following my dreams and living the life I choose to want to live. Living is scarier than existing in pain. There’s this sense of newly found ownership and responsibility placed on you and what it is you do in this world.

You go from being a victim of circumstances to a survivor who triumphs over obstacles. I now have expectations placed on me and it’s overwhelming. I’m scared I’m going to f-up this new chance at life. I’m lost about how to get to the destinations I have planned, and it has been getting to me lately. So I stopped writing, I stopped blogging and vlogging. I stopped moving and found myself being dragged back into a dark hole of existing in pain and silence.

So I’m back up and attempting to try to live life. But it’s hard and I feel stuck at the moment. I wanted to jump back into my writing and pursue my dreams but I feel so lost as to what I’m doing. I don’t have the answers, just yet, but I am willing to do the work and put in the effort to keep fighting to go forward toward the life I so desperately am fighting to live for.